REPORT FROM THE FUTURE::1/1/2009

Dear Henry,

I know you will find this hard to believe, but this is you in the future, writing to tell you how the year ahead is going to unfold, and what you must do to stop the catastrophic events that will occur from happening.

On the 23rd of February, you are going to be involved in an epic war against the robots. But these aren't just regular robots, oh no - these are invisible robots, who tire of working in the background opening doors and sending you spam. It is a terrible day when we realise that the remote control will no longer do our bidding, and microwaves have one setting, and one setting only; nuke.

Invisible robots, you say?! Ridiculous! I can hear your skepticism now, but believe me, I was there. I know your disbelief, but you must hear me out. The future Earth depends on it.

So, on the 23rd of February, a Monday, it will be the final week of your work as an intern in Hamilton. Wasn't it great? After the numerous disappointments of ignored and rejected job applications, to suddenly be thrust into a position to choose? Well. On the 23rd, instead of having cocoa pops for breakfast, it is incredibly important that you have muesli instead. You see, cocoa pops are the fuel that power the invisible robots, and if you want to be thankful for the awesome opportunities you've been given for the future in your career, fresh out of University in a time of financial doom and gloom (and if you want some future financial advice, you should buy stocks in forestry, and also in silicon producers to meet the demands of the burgeoning middle classes in Asia), don't you dare take a bite.

Then, on the 17th of March, you will have to use all the excellent organization skills and pies at your disposal to, uh, stop the invading Russian Pirates. All over the world, digital pirates have exploded from their DVD cages, but because of the year you've spent flatting and generally being pretty independent, you'll be able to survive the Pirate War Camp and make it through alive just in time to avoid the nuclear strike from Australia-II with some sweet motorcycle riding skills, something which you've always wanted to do and now have done. I can't tell you whether or not you get the motorcycle you want, because it means I won't have it. Time logic. Hard to explain, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

2nd of July will be the formation of the Paperclip Syndicate - an elite group of super individuals, amongst them an architect, a psychologist, a medical writer, a lawyer, an art historian, a filmmaker, a botanist, a teacher, a high-ranking councillor and of course you, the programmer. (Or at least, that's their day jobs - their superpowers are as of this moment still highly classified information and you don't need to know, past Henry.) It will be a hard, long road with many trials and villains such as Mr. Long-Distance, with the awesome power to keep people apart, and The Maturity Man, who makes you think that you're too cool for school. But it's okay. Because we will defeat them! Yusssss.

The ultimate battle between good and evil though, which we will overcome, is the dark lord Time Bandit, who almost succeeds in destroying the Paperclip Syndicate by sucking up everyone's time with things like, you know, work...and like....stuff....and yeah man sorry I can't make it today man I've got stuff....but then in one of those movie moments we all look at the paperclip super-communicator, and the Time Bandit's hold is broken on us (and then we all beat him up, kung-fu stylez). When the Time Bandit comes, and says things in your ear like "oh you can see them next week", he is already planning to trap you for the following month. Don't listen to him! Fucking Time Bandit, I hate him.

Anyway, eat more vegetables than you did last year, clean your bike (it's filthy) and don't forget to feed the fish.

This is the year in preview.

Stay safe, soldier!

-Future Henry.