Song: Say it ain't so by Weezer

Here are some random quotes.

We are what we pretend to be,
so we must be careful what we pretend to be.  -Kurt Vonnegut
 
:
 
The first few steps: the first few words: the first moment when a line crosses a line and suddenly you can never stop seeing. This changes - seeing more, seeing less, seeing better, seeing worse; but seeing is the first stone in the pond, and as the ripples pread they alter everything they touch, fundamentally. Everything takes on meaning - a look, a touch, a motion, a sign, all seeds growing, seeds that never stop growing because you just never can stop them.

How can it be explained? Think of the one thing that you've always wanted - then think of it existing within you, as a part of every day, like breathing. Then think of the breathing as a living thing that begins to change, obeying only those elemental forces which we sense but can never see - and then it disappears. And then what? Once you get it, what then? You just go on and on until you become what you always were - something simple and human. Remember - it's not what you do, but the way that you do it.

So why all the worry? Why the need to possess, the need to claim, the need to feel like the one and only, the need to be "I", the need to decide one thing against another, the need to sit on the top of the heap, the need to prove? The fact of our individuality resides in us like the facts of our biology, and yet the hardest thing is to move on, to put this to one side and to be there for others, understanding and, finally, communicating. This is what makes us human, but we still want to be islands.

This would be the next step: to refuse to give in to those impulses of acceptance that trigger the mind and send us running after the rabbit around the track - to listen to the heart when we know, but we can't explain. That this set of circumstances is wrong, that we could be doing this better, that we could be moving forward instead of standing still. It's all a question of approach.

But how can an approach really be described? Can it be described? The accumulation of experience lasts a lifetime, and encompasses both thinking and doing (and all the things in-between). These things do not exist in isolation.

Closed strucutres: do we always need to force square pegs into round holes? So you go to school, and you always know what you want to do, and you know it can be done - and then you're told it can't. Not even maybe, or yes if you work towards, but not, unequivocally, no. It can't be done. How would you know until you tried? There are some shapes that can grow into others, some shapes that can change the shape of their container and some that grow out of it. It's what happens. Simple.

The simple things: like echoes of an afterthought, these little moments, little shifts, they grow into one another, and in growing they change each other, and as they change they become something new again - always having taken on and taken forward each other's characterstics, like a shadow of a memory, and adding and learning and contributing, binding with consistency the loose possibilities that will contribute to our evolution.

It's about moving, seeking out, involving, becoming. Not a journey along a line to a fixed point when it will all happen, when it will all be clear, but a journey within a circle that explores and maps the possibilities that arise along the way. We are here. We are not yet there, or there: this is what it is. Where are we going? From this moment to the next: from the centre to the perimeter and around, and back to where we came from, and then out again - finding, bringing back, showing, finding...

The process stays alive. it makes us human. Thinking, acting, thinking again, accepting or refusing. We know it already. We have always known it, but we needed to apply our thoughts to our methods. We are all people. The thought is the process. The act is the process. We are people, not definitions, or even things. This is us, and we are in this world, and we are in this world together.  - from Process; A Tomato Project

:

What is thought? Thought is travelling without motion.
What are words? Words are sound as form.  - from Process; A Tomato Project

:

Memory is a fluid that encases an event. We do not recall the event itself, only the shape that the fluid describes.  - from Process; A Tomato Project

 
---

Anyway, I'm worried. Photography, fun as it is, is very time consuming and annoying at times. Same for music although I find it a lot easier to get into. I'm worried about next year, but it'll pass. I'll forget/get over it.

There's plenty enough for everybody to worry about. I'm not going to make up some bullshit statistic about the comparison between worries and what actually happens, but I'm convinced that most of the time the fears are unfounded.

Still, it's weird, this year. It's like a limbo, almost. I don't really want to leave Macleans but at the same time I yearn for change and new experiences. Some days I find it unbearably boring, other days I wish it'd never end. It's like this huge vortex filled with doubt of the future, doubt of the present and uncertainty of tomorrow that spins and just like a roulette wheel, you don't know what happens until that wheel stops spinning.

What's today? Sad? Happy? Relaxed? Probably all three, at different times and varying degrees.

Bleh.

Thanks Jenny by the way for lending me those CDs and letting me have a badge. You rock! If I ever get a lot of badges and CDs you'll be sure that you'll have the right to take them off me.

And Ellen, you be careful. One day, that Frog will pay for the list. It will pay.